Through the Ghost
by dante the badger
Summary: Merlin muses about how his whole life is spent hiding; never allowed to truely be who he is...


**hello! this is my first fic so pleeease be nice :P this was enspired by an awesome song by Shinedown ;)  
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**Disclaimer: I dont own Merlin...I really wish i did though**

**summary: Merlin muses about how his whole life is spent hiding; never allowed to truely be who he is...**

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The night was silent, peaceful and cold. The dark clouds swept lazily across the sky, showing teasing glimpses of the stars that hid behind them. The citizens of Camelot were sleeping soundly in their beds, soon to be awakened by the sun, as dawn was a few hours away.

A young warlock refused the welcoming picture of his bed. He stayed up and looked out of the only window in his room. He always got a wonderful view of the city from there. He would go there to think, and to remind himself of what was at stake if he failed, and think of his destiny: to protect King Arthur, no matter what. Although it was a rather heavy burden for the young man, whenever he saw the vast, proud kingdom of Camelot for his bedroom window, he knew that whatever the cost, one day, magic will be once again be a part of it all. It would make the great kingdom greater and bring peace to years of war and pain. At that thought, he would usually smile and get the sleep that the overworked servant deserved.

But not tonight.

Merlin sighed. He would need to be at work in an hour or two, but he couldn't bring himself to sleep. His mind would not allow him to as he thought about his past years in Camelot. He and Arthur had been through many tests and trials and always came through victorious; at the expense of Merlin. Not that Arthur knew that, of course.

Merlin groaned and buried his head in his arms. Flashbacks of all the times he has had to look like an idiot or someone with mental afflictions just to save Arthurs backside or to hide is magic. The list was endless. Ok, he will admit that he was naturally clumsy; there was no getting round that. But he wasn't _as_ clumsy as everyone saw him to be. If you tried to balance a tray of food, while being late for Arthurs breakfast time, and trying to control the magic that swirls around inside you like a whirlpool, Merlin was sure that you would have problems too. There was always too much going on in his head to ever be fully focused. If he ever let slip that he had magic, he would be burned at the stake. It was a constant fear and threat at the back of his head. Always there, never leaving him completely at ease.

Merlin never had a chance to be himself. His whole life was based on hiding what he was. Even in Ealdor, his mother warned him that his magic was seen as a threat and should keep it a secret. So Merlin tried to hide it and fit in with the other children and be just like them.

Too bad it never worked.

They saw him as a freak. Merlin was a thin, pale, boy who had an unmarried mother and a runaway father. And because of Merlin's gifts, he would always act differently, shifty almost; like he was hiding something. They bullied Merlin for being weak and quiet, never seeing the true potential in the boy's eyes. It wasn't until Will spoke to Merlin that the warlock start to find himself. His true self. He told Will of his gifts and when he was accepted, Merlin truly smiled. He was accepted as a normal person. Not a freak or a monster as he sometimes heard people call his kind. A few gloriously comfortable years with Merlin's new friend passed in a blur. But as he got older, his magic grew stronger. Too strong for such a little village. So his mother sent him to Camelot, where he had to bottle himself up. Play the fool all over again. In Camelot, the stakes were higher and dangerous. His neck was on the line.

Merlin looked up again. The horizon was painted in a pink hue. Dawn had come, and he had to start work. With a groan, he picked himself up and stretched his stiff limbs which cracked at his sudden movement. Merlin understood why he had to hide his identity. Arthur wasn't ready to hear that his manservant was actually destined to be the greatest and most powerful sorcerer of all time. Especially as that manservant was quite unreliable and incompetent and couldn't even get his socks clean without shrinking them. Merlin smiled at the memory of his great king jumping around on one foot, unable to pull the socks higher than his ankle. His smile then fell as he remembered his punishment: having George teach him how to wash socks all week.

As Merlin made his way from the kitchens to Arthur's room, he couldn't help but think of what Arthur would do if he knew what he really was. Probably, with Agravaine around, he would be forced to have him executed. Or, the best scenario, he would be exiled from Camelot. Arthur was his friend after all, so he would probably find a way to get Merlin out of immediate danger. But Merlin couldn't help but think; would Arthur actually accept him, like Will did all those years ago? Would he protect him from people who would have him killed? He didn't know the answer, and he wouldn't know for quite a while yet. He could only hope that Arthur would understand why he lied to him, and Merlin hoped he didn't feel too betrayed. He didn't want that. But until then, he shall be Merlin the manservant. Nothing more, but nothing less.

Merlin had to keep on living through the ghost. Be a shadow of his true self.

At least for now…

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**thank you so much for reading! please review, so i know whats good/ bad :P**

**dante the badger 3**


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